Incomplete Longing
by Meimi
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Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with Namco or anyone who hold rights to Tales of the Abyss. It isn't mine, I'm just playing with it.
Spoiler Warning: Full game spoilers, baby.
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It's always quiet just before he comes. Always silent. The soft sounds of nighttime fade and diminish into nothing, leaving behind an overbearing, expectant silence that could quite possibly drive him insane were it not broken shortly afterwards. It didn't take long, or perhaps it took forever, he couldn't really be sure. Time always passed differently in dreams, and these instances could be nothing else but fanciful dreams created by his own ceaseless longings. But regardless, in the space of a silent heartbeat he would be there, sliding in beneath the blankets and settling over him.
"Hush," he murmured as he brushed the back of his hand against his cheek. It was always the same, always the same need for quiet, a continued silence. Green eyes, the exact same as his, shimmered like liquid flames in the moonlight as they studied him. Waiting patiently for some sort of acknowledgement from him, he supposed.
He wanted to ignore the soft command, wanted to bare his soul so badly it almost choked him. There was so much he wanted to say to him. So much that he needed to say. Apologies. Recriminations. Questions. Hopes and dreams that needed to be laid out for him to see. They flooded his mind every single day, beating him down bit by bit until all that he could see is what should have been instead of what was. What sort of life was that? But he could never say it, could never say any of it.
"Don't," he whispered, a sparkle of bitter amusement glinting in those flame bright eyes as he placed a hand over his mouth, stopping him before the torrent could break free, "Don't say anything, or I'll vanish."
And just like that, any urge to speak would evaporate like water under the noonday sun. He wanted to say so much, needed to say so much, but just having him here was a much bigger need, a necessary one. He wouldn't, couldn't do anything that would endanger that. It was enough. It had to be enough. Even if it never was.
"That's right," he said softly as he lowered his head down, his lips brushing feather light against his own, "Just let it be for now." They curved against his then, up into an almost mischievous smile. And that is how he irrevocably knew that it was a dream, had to be a dream. Because life had been less than kind to him, so much so that the very idea of him being playful was ludicrous at best. But still, he held his tongue. Regardless of whether it was a dream or not, it was all that he had now, the only way he could hold on. "For a little while, at least."
It would have to be enough.
He touched him then, soft caresses, gentle movements. The type of contact he would have given anything he possibly could for before, and which he had never gotten. There hadn't been any time left to them, no time at all to bridge the gulf that separated them both. No time to live. None at all. His hands stroked against his skin, knowing just where to go and how to touch him to leave behind a growing ache, a spreading heat that left him breathless.
It wasn't quite so quiet anymore. Soft puffs of breath, almost panting now, punctuated the silence, breaking it. He couldn't seem to catch his breath as he moved over him, doing things to him that he had never even dared to fantasize about. He would never do something like this with him of all people. And yet, he was, even if it was just a dream.
Always just a dream.
He bit his lip in a successful attempt to hold back a gasp, his eyes watering slightly from the strain. He couldn't let it out, he had to stay quiet. As long as the silence lasted, then he would stay. He would be within reach, where he could touch him, could feel him, but only just. It wouldn't last. But it would be enough. For now.
He reached up, touching him, running his fingers through his silk soft hair and earning him an indulgent smile. He was beautiful when he smiled, even more so than he had ever been before. He had wished so much just to see him happy for once, but that desire had been in the past and was now long buried, right alongside his other wishes, his other dreams.
He took leave of his hair then, with no small amount of regret, and instead ran his hands over his shoulders and down his chest. A scar stood out against his pale skin, a hateful scar that he had grown accustomed to seeing. He knew there would be a similar one upon his back, along with two others. They were inescapable proof of the dream. Detestable reminders of promises broken, unwanted intruders that would never leave them be.
A hand plucked his seeking fingers away just as he was about to touch the marred flesh. "Don't," he warned sadly and shook his head, "Let me stay just a little while longer."
He scowled irritably, but relented. He would settle for what they had now, if just for the moment. It had to be enough.
An amused chuckle echoed in his ears, a too hot breath breezing across his mouth. "So obstinate," he murmured softly before pressing a brief, gentle kiss upon his lips, "Just like a child." Another kiss then, harder now, but still teasing, still more than he ever dared dream of before and yet less than he so desperately needed. It wasn't enough.
And then he made a mistake. A fatal mistake. A choked word escaped his throat before he could stop it. "I-" Just one, one empty word that cracked and then shattered the surrounding silence. The sounds of night began to rush back in and he knew that it was over. "Don't," he whispered brokenly, his hands reaching up, as if they could hold him there, hold him against the reality that was swiftly tumbling in. "Don't go."
His dream was dying. Had died long ago. Faded to dust and then to nothing but memory and ash. Ashes to ashes.
"You idiot," he mouthed silently as he began to fade. Two ethereal blades ghosting in over his shoulder, another slicing through his middle before he vanished completely.
And then it ended.
Luke fon Fabre's eyes flew open as he shot up in bed, his hands grasping at empty air. A second passed and then he froze, not moving at all. His eyes stared unseeing into the darkness for what seemed like an eternity before he finally allowed his arms to fall back down. Too little, too late. As it always had been, as it ever was. He gave a short, watery chuckle as he bent over. It was always the same.
A bitter smile crossed his face as he reached up and fingered a lock of his own hair, no longer short, no longer his. He wasn't sure whether he hated it or not. It was too dark to be anything but what it was, a painful reminder that he certainly didn't need. None of them did. But he didn't have the heart to cut it. It would be wrong to do that. It wasn't his.
Dreams were never enough.
Luke gave a long, hard heaving sigh before flopping back down and rolling over onto his side. It always ended the same. Something he would say or do would ruin it all and then he would leave, ripped away from him once more. And then he would be alone again. But then, he was always alone now. None of the others could fill the void, not even when they were there. Nothing could. They couldn't even understand, not that he was willing to try and make them understand. He wasn't that cruel. He would keep the remnants to himself, it was better that way. Better that they should never see the scars, the remainders of killing wounds that hadn't faded at all with the passing of time. And never would.
They were his burden to bear. His alone.
Grimacing sourly, Luke curled himself up into a tight, little ball and yanked the blankets back up. Sleep was what he needed, a rest long sought after. Nodding resolutely to himself, he closed his eyes and for a moment, just one single moment, he allowed himself that one simple, guilty wish. The one that they would never forgive him for, and yet, it ached like none other. To not wake up again, it was something that he would forever want, and perhaps never get. Because he wanted to dream. He needed to dream. The dreams were all that he had left to him now. The only solace he could find. The only place where he could be found.
They would never be enough.
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